Well hello final Friday of 2018.
I don’t have anything planned for this post, but with everyone doing year end wrap ups, I felt the universe pulling me towards vulnerability. Mainly with myself, and in a cathartic way I’m using this blog to document the life that I’m living. Bumps, bruises, and all. And so it’s time to peel the curtain back from 2018.
You brought me the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.
It’s weird how every year I catch myself saying “how did I survive THAT”?
Every year seems more masterfully accomplished than the last, the pain, heartache, and fear keep on growing, and yet somehow I survive. Don’t we all?
So bear with me as I dissect this past year, and make some room for ideas to carry into 2019 with.
I spent 2018 “living my best life”. I think that was part due to the prior 2 years of me crawling my way out of the hole I had found myself in. Recovering from a broken pelvis, a 6 year relationship break up, leaving a job I had also been at for 6 years, and just the stress and chaos of life. But I did it. In 2016 and 2017 I crawled. I not only survived, but I thrived. I traveled to places I had only dreamed of seeing, implemented a fitness and nutrition routine, and honestly can say I truly discovered myself.
So when 2018 rolled around I was in full on “do me” mode. I was ready to take “me” to the next level. More trips, more fitness, more blogging, more more more.
I’m a busy gal. I choose to be busy. And when I tell people I’m busy, they laugh, because they don’t really know that it’s my super power. Living in chaos. It makes me feel good to know I have something around the corner. An event, a date, a trip, etc.
And I spent the year being BUSY. I honestly don’t know how I did it because it was overwhelming for me, I’ll admit it. But the business brought so many good things into my life, like new friends, new opportunities, new experiences. I view being busy with saying “yes to life”, and I said a whole lot of YES in 2018.
I also, as a result of that, became disorganized at times. Losing my focus, getting caught up in the glamor but not really resonating on the why. Why was I doing all of this. What was the motivation.
I think now reflecting back, the truth I was trying to get to in 2018 was understanding that I’m a human being, who just desperately wants to be seen, heard, understood, and loved, and I was going to do everything in my power to unpack that.
We launched RESTART CBD which was probably the single thing that I am most proud of accomplishing this year. It came at a cost and happened in a chaotic way. But I think it was the universe making space for me to say yes, yet again.
Not even 6 months into the business and we already have so many exciting things for 2019, but more to come on that in the next conversation we have.
2018 also brought me loss. I was chatting with an acquaintance the other day and we were agreeing that emotional warfare is worse than any physical pain because you can’t escape the bully. The bully is your mind and controlling it can be extremely hard at times. Sometimes being in a crowded room hurt more than being in silence simply because all I wanted to do was cry and feeling like you have to keep it together all the time is hard.
Out of respect for those who the loss also impacts, I’m going to leave this section vague. But man did 2018 suck when it comes to relationships. There are some aspects where I fully and wholeheartedly acknowledge I could have done better, I didn’t have to do THAT thing, and maybe we wouldn’t be where we are right now. But on the other hand, that is who I am. That is how I reacted, and if someone is going to judge me without compassion then the lesson is they aren’t meant to be in my life right now. That is painful. I want to be in control. And you bet everything gone wrong I take blame for, I beat myself up about it, and whether right or wrong, I dwell. A lesson I’m still learning in regard to this part of 2018 is that I can not make anyone stay. I can’t make anyone choose me. I can’t make anyone love me. Those are out of my control. And so my time is better spent on what is in my control.
I think I had more conversations on self awareness and discovery than I realized I would have. It’s become the constant drumbeat of my life. Everyday I try to have some sort of dialogue with myself, some way to motivate myself, to understand why I do what I do, and to leave space for learning and evolution.
So it’s leaving me with a lot of gratitude for 2018. A lot of “thank you, next” emotions. But also a lot of “aha!” moments. I came across this quote and can’t stop resonating on it. “Sunshine all the time makes a desert”.
Whoa. What a simple concept. That you need light and darkness to exist to truly appreciate the light. To appreciate the good times, you have to know what heartache feels like. And the only way out is through.
I haven’t mastered that yet, but I think about it daily.
I think about how this is part of my story, part of my journey, and so it’s with that sentiment that I welcome 2019.
My hope for 2019 is this.
I will be more at peace with the silence, I will truly face fear, and that I understand that I am going to be better than okay.